Mirror, Mirror

black woman in mirror

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…

Have you ever wondered why certain situations and circumstances arise in your life or why things always seem to happen to you?  What’s wrong with me? Why do they treat me so badly? Why do I feel so alone?  Why don’t I receive the same amount of love and benevolence that I give?

These are questions that I have often pondered as well.  Questions that took me on a quest or should I say a journey.  This journey required lots of seeking and digging within, because it’s so easy to look without. It’s even easier to place the blame on someone else, or to project your issues onto someone else.  When in reality they are simply mirrors reflecting YOU back to YOU.  I know that is a mouthful and a lot to grasp especially if you are stuck in a cycle of denial, self-pity, frustration, and pain.

Its time to break such cycles and release ourselves from such sabotaging behavior.  Thus allowing us to nurture healthy relationships with self and others.

The number one thing that must take place is responsibility and accountability.  What I often see in others and sometimes in myself is the subconscious projection of an inner reality onto others.  Well, you may ask what do I mean by that. Okay, for example; You loved a man with all of your heart.  You gave him everything you thought he needed and wanted.  You cooked for him, cleaned for him, made love to him, took care of his children, and yet he treats or treated you like crap.  No matter how much love you gave him, it was never returned in the way you truly and deeply needed it be.  So, your first response is projection.  You project your anger, hurt, pain and defeat upon him and all that appear to be like him.  You begin to judge all men, you begin to hate men, you even begin to hate and dislike yourself.

The truth of the matter is this, he could not give you what you did not give to yourself.  He only reflected back to you what you denied or refused to acknowledge about you.  If  you would take the time to dig deep and really look within yourself, you would discover that you never really took the time to love and value you. You feel worthless and like you do not deserve to be loved or valued. So the responsibility is then placed in the lap of another.  Man, that is a heavy burden to bear!!  This is often why many men bail out on women.  The unrealistic expectations that are placed upon their shoulders is way too much for them to bear.

That leads me back to my original point; Responsibility and Accountability.  This is where we have to get completely naked and real with self. Acknowledging your truth and dealing with it.  Healing the wounds that were neglected and suppressed.

There are so many lies that we either tell ourselves or we believe about ourselves that if not dealt with in the seed form (the original thought or suggestion), then we subconsciously or unconsciously build our whole being upon that lie.  This is also known as a false personality.

Its time to get naked!!  Stripping off all false personalities, lies and stories we tell ourselves or believe about ourselves.  Its time to heal.  Contrary to the popular saying, time does not heal all wounds.  Putting in the work, being real with yourself, processing emotions and feelings the proper way, and re-programming your mind to the frequency of truth and love is the only way one can truly heal.

There are so many resources out there for us. All of the excuses are played out.  Let’s take some time and dig deep.  Healing is yours if you want it.  If you don’t like the fruits of your life, change your reflection.

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Until next time, let’s continue to BmoreBeautiful

PBM (Pre-Evaluation Before Marriage)

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Hey Beauties,

So often, many of us dream, desire or feel the need to jump the broom as we approach a certain age. The truth is many of us are so focused on being married and waiting for the right guy to ask us for our hand in marriage. Some of us have already have a cake, a caterer, and a dress that’s two sizes too small because we’re anticipating the size we will be. With all of the planning we’ve been doing we forget to evaluate the most important part of the union, the pre-evaluation of OURSELVES!! 

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                You have your biological clock ticking, your girlfriends and/or parents asking you or telling you, you need a mate. Question is…have YOU prepped your single world for a permanent guest? You really have to clean house (figuratively & literally)!! Once we find a potential mate (read: victim, LOL), who feels he or she wants to sign up for the lifetime job of being our mate…do we accept responsibility to make peace with ourselves? Or…do we expect and depend on our soon to be lifetime partner, to lift that burden? If so, you might as well put it in your plans for this union to possibly self destruct!! As you’re dating and waiting, don’t live that time period in vain! Use those years wisely!! Instead of looking at that time as waiting for her or him, look at it as working on SELF. Get your finances in order so that you’re self-sufficient. When the me becomes “we”, unpack and donate all of your old flames baggage!!What I mean is…all the gifts, memories, hurts and fears of your ex’s need to be THROWN OUT!! Also, get counseling for all those family secrets that have affected you!! You never know how alive they are until you’re face to face with them again!!

I can not stress this enough, talk to your mate!!! Find out what their childhood was like and be sure to get the Angry_African_American_couple_standing_back_to_BLD040541negative side too. People tend to only highlight the good and bury the things that have hurt them. I feel it is equally important, so that you are aware about what issues you need to be sensitive to. Be sure to discuss having children and what you expect from the other parent. You may be surprised about how many women from a two parent household marry a man who was raised by a  single mother. They can get frustrated because they expect him to be able to handle things a certain way.

Last but not least, when dating & waiting, be sure to be evaluate yourself! That way when that right person finds you, you will have YOUR “house” in order. It will be open, warm, welcoming, and ready to receive a guest. DON’T leave that person out in the cold while you run around, hurrying, and trying to pick up trash while they are outside ringing your bell. Keep your “house” clean!!

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Until next time, let’s continue to BmoreBeautiful

T. Richards